Am I codependent?

According to psychological definitions, true codependency is determined by being enmeshed in a relationship with someone who has a dependency or illness. The dependent person in our relationship can be dependent on any number of things. It could be another relationship or substance abuse or even uncommon compulsions. According to these parameters, are you codependent? If so, what is your most codependent relationship? Do they suffer dependency or is it an illness?

You may have already tried a number of methods to free yourself of codependency. This is likely to be a very different approach. Our goal is not to examine your codependency, but who you are free of codependency. If you didn’t have codependent relationships in your life, what changes would you notice? What would be different? Don’t think of what wouldn’t happen anymore. Think of what would happen. Who could you be if the other person in the relationship were to suddenly be free of their dependency? How would your life look?

Imagine that the other person in this codependent relationship suddenly became healthy. Imagine a miracle. They might recover from an impossible illness or finally overcome their addiction. What would you do if things were suddenly okay with them? Name three things you would do in your life if the relationship could suddenly be healthy.

Separate from doing something in the relationship, is there a way you can do any of those things today? In even the smallest way, can you give yourself a small portion of any of the three things you listed, even if just for 20 minutes a day? Are you be willing to do one now or schedule to do one within the next 24 hours?

How do you feel about the thought of doing something for yourself? You may feel fine about it, or you may judge yourself. Sometimes we overgive to others because we haven’t learned to give to ourselves. This is not a failing. It is just what you’ve learned to date. How do you feel?

Spend some time over the next few days playing with the thought of giving something to yourself for just 20 minutes a day – something that represents what it means to be free of codependency. Think of all of the things that would be different in your life. What would you do? Who would you be?

Again, don’t judge how you feel, just contemplate and notice the feelings as they come up. You can journal about them if you like. We won’t try to change your life or your relationship. Over the next several weeks, we’ll learn practices to change the brain function driving it.

Over the next several days, note the most significant change you would expect to see in your life and then, continue on to the next set of questions