October 16, 2018
Let’s just go ahead and start off with a bang today and surrendering the idea of having a source. I’ve spent the last decade or two, or really, it’s probably been my whole life, defining and redefining my source. Here is a thing that has just dawned on me this morning; it’s not how I define source that’s the problem. It’s the idea of source entirely. It’s the idea that there is anything separate from me; God, the Universe, or the whole of humanity that is designed to give me my good.
Here’s the thing, good is not given, it’s experienced. Waiting for some benevolent being or some knight in shining armor or even a law of attraction to provide me with those things I need in life makes me vulnerable to the being. Buddha says, “If your joy can be found outside of you, it can be taken from you.” That’s probably not exact, but it’s close enough. It’s the understanding propelling me forward at the moment. If I am waiting, I am subject.
I believe the source of my good is the opportunities I take. It’s the way I spend my moments, and it always serves me in some way. There is always a gift. I am organically seeking my good. Even if I’m sick or broken or whatever other uncomfortable feelings one can imagine, I am still pursuing my good. There are gifts in all experiences because we are always seeking life striving to be more life.
Wow! Why did I not think of this before? My struggle was not with the definition of the cause. It was the belief that there is a larger cause than my own expression of living. This completely changes life, and I can see why most would avoid it. It’s all on me now. My life is on me.
The good news is; I trust me. I trust my perception and my process, and I trust the story I’m about to write. It’s time to really do something.
August 22, 2020
I had expectations as I began this journey of using my old self to study how I became my new self. In it, I lost my connection to the idea of my source. I became enamored with the concept of my individuality and the definitions of consciousness that I lost track of having a source entirely.
This was necessary, but it also became a detriment. I have a significantly less complicated interpretation of what having a source means to me now, and with the new definition, a newfound desire to reconnect.
The way I see my source today is as “the thing that leads me forward.” It might be a teacher or a provider. It might also be an inspiration or a guide. As I look at the journey of our subject, this introduction of a new source is not about the source as it is about having a source, an opportunity from which we can glean information. Whether it is bear or snake or a native elder, our subject is now being introduced to having a reliable source, one that propels her forward.