25_My His-Story Chapter Three – September 18, 1993

It has been several days since the ‘incident’ in the closet. It’s intriguing how dramatically one’s perspective can be transformed by a single event. My entire outlook on the world and how it operates is being challenged. This should be an opportunity for growth. Still, the only thing I have learned from this event is that I am not nearly as afraid of the living room as I am of the master bedroom. Therefore, this is where I have been sleeping. 

The couches are not as comfortable as my bed, but there is no way I’m sleeping in my bedroom. I can’t get far enough beyond the fear to even venture into that room after dark. The door remains closed most of the time, and I keep to the rest of the condo.

I haven’t spoken to anyone about what happened. I feel like I wouldn’t know what to say. I have no doubt that what happened to me was real, which surprises me. In the past, I would have talked myself out of believing an experience like this long before morning, but I can’t. I know it was real. I just don’t think anyone else would. So, until I realize a better solution, I’ll just avoid the condo as much as possible.

I’m home today. A friend from therapy is stopping by, and I am glad to have company, at least for a couple of hours. I know it’s only a short reprieve, but a grateful person takes what they can get, and I love spending time with this woman. Like me, she came from a difficult childhood and is working diligently to restore the bliss her experiences took from her. I truly admire all that she has done. Her boundless commitment to her process is an inspiration to me. When I want to give up, she reminds me, just through her will, that quitting is not an option.

Our relationship is the most unique I have ever encountered. As a result of her childhood experience, she developed personality splits, and through the time I have come to know her, I have grown to love each and every one of them, even the ones that don’t like me. The children are precious, and the women strong. Everything about her is amazing to me. I am inspired by the human mind’s ability to do what it needs to do to survive, and I challenge anyone who has never known the terror of childhood trauma to debate the effectiveness of segmenting the mind to endure the unspeakable.  

She called today to tell me that one of her ‘splits’ was concerned for my well being and would like to do a ‘healing’ for me. Her call surprised me. I know she has strong intuitive abilities. However, I am adept at hiding my weaknesses, a thing I have learned from my childhood. I can’t help but wonder what she knows. 

I have been practicing the healing arts for a few years now and often do healings for others, but I usually shy away from getting much help myself. I am very independent and stubborn in how I process my pain. I only open myself to real vulnerability when I am alone. It is the only way I feel safe. However, this is bad. I feel desperate, and she is a person I trust. So, I agree with the healing.

Having experienced so much of her abuse at the hands of men, my friend has only two male splits, both are Native Americans. One is a Native Elder, wise in the ways of medicine. When this man comes through, she becomes him in a way that is not like any of her other splits. With the female splits, I still see a trace of my friend as they come forward. I see each ‘split’ as a specific representation of her at different stages in her life. They are like moments frozen in time when her life was so traumatically altered by what was happening to her, she had to let go of her current self to become someone new. This was the only way to survive the pain. These men are different. Her whole demeanor changes when they appear, and I no longer see any trace of my friend when they come forward. I often wonder if they are ‘splits’ at all. 

I have used ‘channeling’ during my healing. I often think that these men are probably ‘channeled’ beings rather than personality splits. I’ve never mentioned the thought to my friend. It is just something that crosses my mind upon occasion. 

When the Elder comes forward, he doesn’t know much English, so he speaks in his native tongue. Communication is sometimes difficult, but he has an immediate calming effect on me, and I love to be in his presence. The second man is in his early twenties. He is only a few years younger than me, and his name is IEO. I know immediately when he is there because her eyes change when he comes through. She stands strong and proud and so much taller when he is with her. I feel like nothing in the world could harm either one of us when he is there. I often wish I could ever find a real man who makes me feel this safe, but it seems to me they don’t exist.