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175_Chapter Four – Night 19

It is not too late. I am tired from a long day of emotions, but I am not sleepy. I feel like I want to sleep, but it is more about avoiding what I might feel than actually having the capacity to close my eyes and surrender my consciousness.

When I was a child, I used to dread the night. I often had night terrors, and those who reared me are big believers in settling your monster disputes. It didn’t matter what was coming out of my closet. I was careful not to disturb the other occupants of the house with conflict resolution. I learned to fight silently, but I also learned to fear the dark.

I stopped having night terrors around my fourth or fifth year of therapy, and over the last several years, I have let go of my old fear of the dark. Confronting threats with bodies certainly makes those without a lot less menacing. So, I have come to relish the night. The night is when I allow my body to rest. My dreams are where I go on vacation and sometimes even meet nice guys. Still, tonight, I do not want to sleep. I don’t even want to visit the cabin. I am appalled by how one night with this guy has me afraid to face him again. I know it’s not him, I fear. It is the emotion, which is even worse to me. I made a career out of therapy. One would think emotion would be the last thing I fear, but I guess it doesn’t matter what I fear. I must face what is there. I’ve avoided it long enough. It is time to go. 

Closing my eyes, the first thing I see is IEO’s face. How could I avoid this? A soothing calm washes over me. I am lying on the bed, and he is leaning over me. I think they’ve been waiting for me to awake or become conscious or whatever it is I do when I return here. The worst of my sickness must be over, as I am back in the body on the bed.

The light is dim in the cabin. Early evening has come, and they are yet to light a lamp. I try to sit up to look around, but I am weak. Turning to IEO, I ask, “Have you seen the moon? It is full tonight.”

He smiles and says he has.

He continues to look at me, his concern is unmistakable, and I feel weaker than I can ever remember feeling. 

“What is wrong with me?” I can’t understand what’s happening.

He doesn’t answer. Simply turns to engage in his next task. 

My brow furrows. This can’t be good. He’s acting the way people do when someone is dying. I can’t be dying. This is just a process. I’m here to finish Amber’s work. I can’t be dying. Why would he respond in this way? 

I’m upset. I mean, I know he’s not a talker. He never really has been, but I will not accept not knowing what is happening to me. I grab his forearm, “What is going on?”

He looks at me for a moment before answering, “You cannot know.”

I swallow hard. I don’t like his answer, and I still don’t trust the look he just had, but I trust him. I also can’t stand to see him in pain, so I let it go for now.

I look at Amber as she busies herself around the cabin, “Can I talk to her yet?”

“Not yet. You are still too close to where she was, and the two can’t intertwine.”

I don’t argue, but I don’t know what to do. I must continue to move forward. IEO’s by my side. It’s time to seize the moment. Where am I to go?

I try to sit up again, but I am weak, so IEO helps me rise a little and lean against the wall. I can see out the big window now, and everything is so pretty. The full moon lights everything in shades of silver, bouncing off leaves and the animals grazing in the valley. There are a lot of them. I imagine they are drawn to Amber. She strikes me as very much the ‘Faerie’ type. Her feet are always bare under a flowing summer dress. The dress is always knee-length and of a very light material that dances with her movements. She glides like a breeze, the elements in motion.

On the other hand, I feel like a rock, the essence of the rock Amber once carried. I thought today of telling Sandra this rock is too heavy for me. I don’t know if I can carry it anymore. I picked it up, but I don’t know if I can bear its weight. Amber is so much stronger than me, and she couldn’t carry it. How can I? I think of all of the support I have. I think of the people who love me and the Spirit Guides who support me, but I have realized I must carry it alone. I cannot share the burden with them. I can only ask them to watch me closely because I know I say I am fine, but so did Amber. 

I feel as she felt in this battle, utterly alone. The only thing I can rely on is knowing; IEO and Two Feathers would not put me in harm’s way, nor would they watch me walk there without intervention. 

I feel him watching me. Not IEO or Two Feathers, but ‘him.’ My consciousness has faded from the cabin. I am here now, in my bed, and he is watching me type. He is holding back for some reason. He seems uncomfortable with something, and he is biding his time until everything falls into place. There is nothing I can do about his activities until he puts one into play. So, I wait with him.

Eventually, I return to the story, where I am sitting on a different bed. I now have a bowl of soup in my hands. I know this food. There is nothing as healing as broth. Amber created a wild mushroom and onion broth, and it is perfect. I guess I was hungry because it doesn’t take me long to finish a rather large bowl.

IEO stacks some pillows on the bed, where the walls form a corner, so I can remain sitting and still lean back and rest. I am still weak, but I am awake, and I do not want to stare at the ceiling. He knows this. Besides, the view out the window is beautiful, and soon the glass’s reflection will be black, so I want to take advantage of an opportunity to see it. I feel useless sitting here, waiting for something to happen. I feel like we should be having a meaningful conversation or making some kind of plan.

“Now is not the time for talking.”

I look at IEO. His statement has been made abundantly clear, not only by the dreams and messages but by the blank slate of my mind. I thought I would need to concentrate on not talking, but it turns out, I just don’t have anything to say.

IEO continues to comfort me, guiding the hair from my face and speaking gently with me about nothing at all. I feel so peaceful at this moment, so nurtured. I want to close my eyes and just take it in. After my night last night and my day today, I want to take advantage of these quiet moments and allow them to refuel me. There is no reason to push forward when I am so low on energy. So, I allow myself just to enjoy the gift I am receiving.

As I do at the cabin, I close my eyes here, and I feel IEO sit on the bed next to me. He is just there, being strong and nurturing, and I decide that I will take advantage of the comfort tonight. I need to rest and heal. I do not know how long this reprieve will last, so I must savor every moment.

I would pray for a restful night, but instead, I ask for the night to be what my Spirit Guides need of me. I will rest and be comforted, and if they call me to work, I  will give myself to the need with just as much conviction.

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