174_Chapter Four – Day 19

I have decided to send and not send this most recent entry so many times I have lost count. I almost deleted it as irrelevant last night. Today, I realize how relevant it truly is.

I do not know if my self-hate is at the level expressed in my writings last night or if his influence over me magnifies it. I do not know if he is someone for whom I have reached or if he seeks out tortured souls like mine. It is probably a combination of both. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, it explains all of the ‘whys’ of my last marriage. I can’t imagine how it could have occurred any other way. I am here by no accident, and it had to be me who took this from Amber because he likes a specific type of person.

I have struggled my entire life with this idea of an alternate reality. I have experienced table work more times than I could ever recall, and still, I have doubted its legitimacy. I find it all a little too fantastic and am usually disappointed by the drama of it. It feels as if my mind is making mountains of molehills. However, after my experiences last night and the things that occurred after I put down the pen, I now know this is all very real.

I know the dreams I dreamt last night were not my own, and I know his threats were real. The pain he inflicted on my soul was real. I know, even with my profound knowledge of his existence and his ultimate goal with me, in the early hours of the morning, he nearly had me convinced it was all my own. I almost believed his truth was more valid than any other truth I have ever known.

I expect I have only touched the surface of the pain I will feel over the next several days. I know I will suffer. I will suffer getting to know how horrible his words can be, and I will understand Amber’s pain in a way I think few will ever comprehend. We must share the experience. 

I feel dread the thought of sharing what I have written, but I know he wants me to keep it to myself. He wants me to suffer alone and separate myself from anything that could make me feel good. He wants me to trust him and the things he says to me. This, of course, is how it has worked in the past. He shames the person and leads them away from sharing their pain until it is too late and his hold is too tight. 

It won’t work this time. He didn’t pick me, did he? The Spirits guided him to me because they know I have IEO and he won’t let go, and now I have Amber, who understands his methods, and I have a powerful circle of friends and allies who will help me to end this cycle.

The pain is all very real, and the thought of it scares me. I understand the threat he poses, but I know I have the strength to endure. While there will be suffering, there will also be an opportunity for healing, healing I have been coveting for a very long time.

I have not proofread what I wrote last night. I will probably never read it again. I will write each night and possibly again in the morning, but I do not ever want to experience again what those words brought to me last night. Maybe, one day, I will feel different, and I will be able to look back in a detached kind of way, but I’m not there yet. I dismiss the experience for now and no longer claim it as my own. I reject the words, and I refuse the self-loathing they represent. They have no power over me, just as his shame has no power over me.

I allow the light to fill me and to bring me peace. I know I am loved, and I am in the surest of hands through this journey. This is the truth I own and the faith I hold as I step in the pool of his shame.